Two chemo treatments down; four to go!! It took six hours yesterday, another long day. And another 'sledgehammer' dose. With R-CHOP, I get five different support drugs. The combination makes me sleepy, headachey, with dull,watering eyes so I sleep most of the time. The mediport is wonderful! The big port needle gave me pause, but didn't hurt as bad as the skinny needles going in a hand vein. I watched the nurses try to find good veins in the other patients and was very glad I had the port. So much to be grateful for!


Dr Degreen, oncologist, gave me good news and bad news. Good: he could not feel the abdomen tumor anymore. Bad: since there was a gut tumor involved it automatically makes the lymphoma stage 4. So I will get the complete 'sledghammer' for all chemo treatments. The bad news was a downer, until I realized he knew this all along. My reaction was fresh. I settled knowing stage 4 doesn't change the outcome. DeGreen is very confident the chemo will put the cancer into complete remission.


I shouldn't have any new side effects, just more of the same: constipation, sore mouth, tongue and throat, sore scalp, fatigue, bone pain, and low white count. Side effects won't worsen, except for fatigue as this chemo is very hard on the body.

Last night I went to bed early, but had trouble falling asleep. Guess I slept too much during chemo infusion. While laying there, awake, bored, I talked to my body parts. "Wash out the guinea pigs, dear spleen and colon, they want to go!"..."work hard, girls (bladder and kidneys), flush out the chemo." ...."okay all, (stomach, intestines, skin, eyes, throat) let's work together with the chemo so it can do the job, and let's not over react." I blessed my whole digestive tract, trying to ignore the simmering cauldron feel going on inside. I'm prone to fear so every pain, gas bump, gurgle or twizzle tempted me to worry over gastric explosions, tumors and blockages. It didn't help that I watched 'House' last night, an episode of a patient with rupturing spleen and bladder!


Instead of following the fear, I began thanking my body for doing the hard work of moving things along. The gurgles came so often, my thank-you became a non-stop mantra! Then I started to doubt the wisdom of preloading with laxatives. I asked God for "a pinch off the daily loaf", but sometimes I don't trust enough and try to help God along. Of course, I'll be sorry if there's a whole loaf explosion, but I'd rather be yeasty bread boiling over the bowl than a solid lump of dough that just sits there defying one's baking abilities. My image of God used to be so harsh and condemning. I'm grateful I seldom feel condemned in my blunders now; God and I just laugh together a lot. And I do learn from my mistakes.

I finally fell asleep; no explosions woke me up. This morning I still feel plugged, the grumblings are my guts trying to work. I'm eyeing the Milk of Magnesia/Sennecot bottles again. Trust or trust with help? Ah, such a discernment question!!

Whenever I wash my hands and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I see trampy red 'chemo blush' cheeks and bald head. What a sight! I look like a body pumped full of chemicals. Isn't chemo bad enough without the red dye added to one drug? I assume it's dye; can't imagine it comes red naturally. The huge syringe of red did look rather festive, matching the sparkly red Valentine garland wrapped around my IV pole. Doesn't look as festive when peeing red and seeing red. It's like eating 1000 red beets in one day! Knowing my avoidance of food colorings, preservatives and genetically modified foods, I grin at how ironic my treatment is: chemotherapy, complete with red dye and tons of support drugs, immunotherapy with mouse antibodies.

I've always thought of my body as sensitive and allergic. I avoid drugs as much as possible. I used to think I'd rather die than go through chemo. Thinking I didn't have a strong will to live and chemo suffering would be worse than death. Granted, my cancer is highly treatable, and I am profoundly touched by journeys far more serious and difficult than mine, yet my perspective is changing. I have such trust in Dr. DeGreen, in his recommendations. Such gratitude for the positive energy, kind, caring nurses and staff at the Lancaster Cancer Center. I'm surprised at my gratitude in not having time to process my diagnosis, or choose or think about alternative cancer treatments. I felt so carried by God through the tumultuous partial bowel blockage, the diagnosis and fast response by doctors/surgeons in keeping the system moving for me, getting chemo started to avoid bowel surgery. I was simply given an invitation to trust, and I did so instead of being my usual fearful and skeptical. What a gift, meeting so many kind, attentive doctors and non-knife happy surgeons! The only thing I did during that time of trust was say to God, "With your help, I seek and attract kind, excellent medical professionals who will partner with me to heal my body." This experience is changing my view of myself, my body. I am a lot stronger than I thought, body, mind and soul. I am truly 'fearfully and wonderfully' made, a miracle of adaptation and healing. The Intelligence that created the body, heals the body.

On a more contemplative note, I'm glad I learned Centering Prayer and meditation at Kairos school. Meditation was the hardest practice. It seemed so utterly pointless, so counter culture, unproductive and foolish. But after five years of practice I can truthfully say, there is nothing better for me than meditation and contemplative prayer. It has long stopped being a discipline. Such times of quietly opening myself to Life draws me, pulls me toward greater love and joy. I don't have to form words, or produce, or perform. All I have to do is quiet my mind, sit in stillness and open myself to Love, to God, to Christ, to the Creator, the Intelligence of the Cosmos.


While receiving chemo I listened to guided imagery CDs and drifted in and out of sleep, of Centering Prayer. It was lovely feeling so calm, centered, surrounded by love and healing. I could feel all the energy, thoughts and prayers coming my way. I was told by spiritual teachers that students need to learn such disciplines when there are no demands, or big stresses, then when life brings struggle and difficulty, one can lean on already established practices that open the self to grace, to love, to strength and comfort. Of course I didn't quite believe them, especially when struggling to sit still, ignore racing thoughts, itches and tingles, arms or legs falling asleep. At first after five minutes I'd give up in a huff. Gradually, though, I experienced the truth of their teaching. I wouldn't be facing this challenge, with such humor and grace, without those life balancing practices and disciplines. I know my journey is still in the beginning stages, but I trust more than I doubt, so all will be well in my soul, even if not in my body or in the world. Trust me, this statement took a LONG time, and lots of experiences to be able to say!


Joyfully,
Sharon
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"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence. " Helen Keller


Good days give you happiness.
Bad days give you experience.
Both are essential to life. unknown author

"Ask for a 'pinch off the daily loaf.' " (rich) "Huh?" (sharon) "You know, you asked for manna, so this is manna moving." (rich) "Oh!!! That's rich!" (sharon) "I expect you to use it in your blog." (rich)