Before Our Life Changes

 

Today is the day before our life changes. 

The pause between what will happen and what we've been through. In the past, such days of pause gave me anxiety and restlessness. They still do, in moments.  Mostly, I remember the other pregnant pauses, the waiting, the unfolding, the ripening, the birth, labor and the joy. 

So, today I elbow past the anxiety and restlessness and dwell in wonder. In gratefulness.   

Deep in my belly the universe sings to me. Melodies of summer grasses ripple in my heart. Notes of warbler and hawk blend with aromas of orange peel, balsam fir and cinnamon that simmer on my stove and in my bones.  Muscled arms hold me as tears of aliveness fall down cheeks of apple and otter. Whimpering dogs and laughing children rush through my veins.  

My tendons stretch toward the night sky, where sister moon is blanketed in fog and circled in rainbows. 

Pigeons line up on a barn roof, rows of stunningly beautiful pigeons.  Their hearts beat in my chest, my love pulses with each shimmer of sun on rain splashes and rippling creeks.  Leaves brown and gold and dirty float on macadam puddles as I walk the dogs. My soul sees a pattern of gold sprinkled on brown and my heart weeps with beauty.  

 The owl in the tree clutches sinews of bark, its talons tickling my elbows and knees; my heart is open, thrown wide and scattered like joyfully flung confetti into the night sky.  

Starlings catch the star dust, their feathers shine with midnight iridescence. 

                  How can I be more in love?    

My soul is so full I sit up in the middle of the night crying joyfully in my sleep: Cobie! - that dear, huge golden-haired angel dog  I recently fostered.  My sweet husband tells me I called her name and then my eyes leak.  Not tears of sadness, but of Mystery.  Cobie still lives with me as does my beloved Hutch, protector of the farm and Carey, my sweet darling cattle dog shadow, and all the amazing animals I've ever loved.

My sweet mother also shows up with the appearance of doilies strung over rafters in a wedding reception, or the memorial pamphlet my granddaughter pulls out of a drawer and scribbles on.  Rae tells me what she wrote:  I love Grandma.  The grandma Rae has never really seen.  Of course she knows grandma; Rae is made from love and grandma’s DNA.

Dad comes to me in salmon grilled to perfection on my plate, in the smell of coffee and toolboxes.  My past morphs into my present becoming my future and love seals all the crackly questions. 

With overflowing heart, with experience and life wisdom, in this pregnant pause,  I celebrate with my brother before we sign our book contract.  I anticipate with my hubby the joy and confusion of adding a new dog into our home, Turnip, a sweet Jack Russell Basset hound mix.  

And, before I know how our foster dachshunds' stories will end, I embrace it all and soften into trust.  

My body, my soul, my heart, my mind holds all gently, loosely; I breathe deeply. I breathe in love and breathe out fear.   I breathe in grace and breathe out love.  I breathe in the universe and breathe out love. 

I breathe. 

                        

                  I simply breathe. 

                     

                                             Love and I are one.

Joyfully,

Sharon

Love never fails. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a woman, I put the ways of childhood behind me. (well, not all my childhood- not the part that wonders and asks questions!) For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  

                                     ~ St Paul,    1^st Corinthians 13