1-19-09 Lovely Sunrise, Manna, Nasty Tincture

1-19-09 Lovely Sunrise, Manna, Nasty Tincture

6a.m. I sit on my rocking chair, in my indoor sanctuary, surrounded by flowers, peace plant, dish garden, poinsettias, and the soft unfolding sunrise beyond my window. The glow of candle light gently touches the wooden stars lined up on the table beside me. Stars bear the names of loved ones I'm holding with me in this sacred time of stillness. The call of loons, swish of water and the paddle of canoes fill the air as a nature sound CD plays quietly in the background. I feel the spirits of those who hold me in their prayers; we exist within the encircling arms of Sophia Wisdom.

I read this affirmation (slightly adapted by me) from the book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. "I flow with the changes taking place in my life as best I can. I approve of myself and the way I am changing. Each day gets easier. I rejoice that God is in this rhythm and flow of my ever changing life. Today is a wonderful day. I choose to make it so. All is well in my world."

I also read: "Is there anyone among you who if your child asks for bread you will give them a stone? How much more will God give good things to those who ask?" Matthew 7: 9-11. This verse captured my attention last summer. I have a book for Lectio Divina (form of contemplative prayer) using the words of Jesus. For some reason, I couldn't move on from this verse. Once a week, for the last six months, I'd pray with these words.

I realize 'bread' nourishes us. We need nourishment every day; we need to eat and digest nourishment. As bread moves through us, becomes us, it keeps us alive. Jesus encourages us to ask for nourishment, for what gives us life. Things like good digestion, wisdom, perseverance, a lovely sunrise, Presence of God, insight, courage, friendship, all nourishment for our bodies, minds, souls. I marvel how I was given these words to ponder long before I needed them. Now, I'm prepared to ask for the 'bread' I need. What I need becomes clear, specific, even visceral. Physically, I want my stomach and bowels to function; I ask God for this, knowing God made the body to function well. When chemo turns the contents of my innards into something similar to river stones, I will repeat the assurance given to me: "I will not give you a stone when you ask for bread." Stones are very hard to pass; especially with a tumor in the small bowel!!

I am quite in tune with my digestive system these days; my body prays with me. Mentally and emotionally, I want to choose faith & courage rather than dwell in fear, or 'what if'. I ask for a positive attitude. I list what I'm grateful for each day. When I feel too miserable, I ask God for friends to help me, and for the wisdom to find gratitude. Spiritually, I need love, hope, God. I ask; and God sends me an angelic touch. Bread comes in many forms: a good morning constitutional, a cheery email, a kind nurse, a friend taking me to the doctor, a dog curled up on my belly, a cardinal, gifts of purple pajamas-an inspirational book-warm soup- calming CD, my hubby, Jay, reading Psalms for Praying in the middle of the night when fear wants to visit.

As I lift my eyes to the east, the first light spreads slowly over our barren corn fields. In the dim light, I'm delighted to see snow gently falling. The world outside my window is blanketed with frost. It seems magical, angelic. The large while flakes look like manna falling from heaven. My soul sings with wonder! I laugh with God; I haven't even asked for anything today, yet 'bread' is arriving. Glory be!

8a.m. It's happening. Hair loss. I spike my short bangs preparing to go to the Cancer Center for a blood test and feel something on my fingers. Ten unsightly sprigs of hair stick to the hair wax coating my thumb and finger. Sigh. Just when I am used to my short cut! I think of the bag of hats my sister dropped off last week. Manna.

9:15a.m. The woman on the chair beside me gets blood drawn. She is given a card on which her blood counts are tallied. She says, "It's right on the money'. The nurse laughs, saying, "That sounds like a song!" I grin. I hold out my arm for my turn. The nurse frowns at all the black and blue marks covering up my veins. I shrug, saying "I bleed easy for you." We stifle a laugh. She pricks my skin, no blood. She pushes the needle deeper. When the blood flows she says, "I'll note on your chart - Go deep." We burst out laughing, and start imagining the songs that could be written from comments spoken in this blood lab. Another nurse hands a quiet older gentleman his blood card. "Oh my God," he bellows. "It's blank! Am I dead?" Everyone freezes for a second, then we all join him in a good belly laugh. Manna.

2p.m. I stare at my naturopath/nutritionist's instructions: 1 oz golden seal with 5 drops stillingia tincture in warm water: it will taste awful so drink it fast. Every morning for 10 seconds I strongly dislike my choice to work with Gail. Golden seal is bitter, smells like dirt and stillingia tastes like Vicks. I turn my Celtic Women CD up loud, lean over the sink with the vile cup in my right hand and mug of hot water to quickly dilute the taste in left hand. Right before I gulp, I 'will' my throat and stomach from gagging. The wonderful music helps the disgusting liquid go down. No, that's a lie.

Later, I eat a plate of 1/4c cottage cheese, 1/4 avocado, and five cherries. And, three roasted brussel sprouts. My stomach feels so full I can barely stand the sensation. But, it's great to be eating other foods and not just soup!

Joyfully,
Sharon

Quotes for the day: "I could get run over by a truck today, but I don't spend every waking moment worrying about it." how one cancer survivor stops worrying about a relapse.

"I stand before what is with an open heart and dwell in possibilities." Macrina Wielderkehr

"There is only love,
Love that heals,
Love that sets us free,
There is only love." Elaine Silver