1-21-09 Grouchy


I'm grouchy today. Woke up irritable, fighting a cold, worrying I'll get sick and the next chemo will be put off. Not that I want chemo, I just don't want delays in the schedule. I foolishly circled the finish date of this round of chemo on my April calendar page. How dumb could I be, setting myself up for inevitable disappointment? I live on a farm, and raised four children for crying out loud! I have cried and protested out loud, many times, over a change in plans. I should know not to count on a calendar date.

Over the last 30 years I've given up luncheons, trips, vacations, told disappointed children - 'the mountains (pool, beach, ___________fill in the blank) will still be there tomorrow, but today the hay can't wait'. I went to family gatherings alone when Jay had to finish combining. I've waited for countless dogs and goats to give birth, adjusted to my dogs instinctive ways of herding the goats rather than insisting on my own cumbersome methods, waited for rain to grow crops and waited for rain to stop so harvest could begin. What makes me think I can suddenly control my chemo schedule? Alas, I can't help myself; I want to make that date in April!

I got the mediport put in yesterday. The procedure went very well. The more I meet Dr. Piepgrass the more impressed I am with his skill and his kindness. Also the Ephrata Hospital staff was fabulous. I wish every one's hospital experiences could be as professional, kind and expedient as mine have been. But this morning I feel like I've been stung by a giant hornet; and the miserable beast left half its body inside mine. There is a round raised lump under my left collar bone. No matter how wonderfully convenient and painless this port will be in time, right now I’m not grateful for it. I'm sick of all that is happening to me; tired of putting up with discomfort of some sort every week.

Life has asked a lot of me lately. I've responded well, I think. But today, even as I look out my window at the stunning sun rise, every cell in my body feels peevish. I've earned one peevish day, I tell God. God smiles through the rose sky, and gently says, "Even if you hadn't, I understand."

Joyfully, and not-so-joyfully,
Sharon
~~

"Remain ever before me,
O Living Presence,
for in You I am safe.
You are my Beloved; in You
and through You
I can do all things." Ps 16 Psalms for Praying by Nan Merrill

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmm" Sharon
"Godiva Chocoiste - milk chocolate pearls with caffe latte” Kim reads the label on the
dainty gold tin box, looking hopeful.
"Okay, you can each have one, but then I'm not sharing." Sharon guarding her precious
gift from Karen

“In case of an emergency, put your head between your knees and kiss your bum goodbye!”
Fletcher, the rat in the movie “Chicken Run”