Choices

The historic, chocolate-loving, quaint town of Lititz woke up to a foot of snow this morning! The heavy, soft kind that hugs trees and bushes, clings on roofs, and hushes the world before plows and shovels come out. Predicted flurries turned into a real snow! A vision worthy of Jay taking my hand at two in the morning, after we passed in the bathroom hall, he pulls me to the window, pointing, whispering, showing me the stately pine outside. The tree glows in reflected snow-light, each sleeping bough, green and deep is tenderly tucked in, covered with its own white, glittering quilt.

This snow brings me joy; it's the kind of snow that wakes one in the dead of night showering bedrooms with radiant, muted light. I marvel at the quiet beauty while knowing it brings others anxiety. At 3:30am the calls for Jay's snow plowing begin. The milk truck can't get in Amos's driveway. Henri's wife is in labor. John needs to get to the doctor by 7:30. Life is challenging. Snow can be too depending how you see it.

Like the snow bringing joy and fretting, my bone marrow isn't finished force producing white blood cells; I rejoice in the effort, but hurt all night. Bone pain triggers fibromyaliga pain; the night is miserable. Tylenol brings relief, but also restless leg syndrome. How does one choose between aching and twitching?

Yesterday, Brittany stopped by with her mom, and of course brought little Avery. The women cleaned for me as I entertained my grandchild. When Jay brought the mail in, Avery helped me open a package. Pulling out a hat, she held it up for me to put on. Without thinking I took off the hat I was wearing. Avery stared at my bald head. Her tiny jaw went slack, mouth daintily open, hand limply holding the forgotten hat. I smile, grin; speak nonsense, 'where did Nana's hair go?’ When I clipped my hair short, I was apprehensive, fearing she wouldn't know me. Dear child never blinked, just ran to me her little arms open for a Nana hug. I lean down now, take the hat from her hand and put it on my head. She becomes animated again, smiles. Soon, I'm pulling the hats on and off, playing peek-a-boo with my head. She plays along, hesitantly. I ask Jay to get the new wig I spent half of Monday choosing. I want to show Brittany. Avery rides in Papaw’s arms up the stairs to fetch the wig.

I put the new wig on. It's similar to my own hair style and color. I preen and pose while the women comment. Avery stares again, smiles shyly. Jay goes back upstairs to get the brown wig I had before. I pull off the new wig and replace it with brown. Avery stares, unsmiling. Will she cry? The women clamor how much they love me in brown. I’m distracted, forgetting Avery until moments later. Jay comes back into the room, Avery in tow. She made him take her back upstairs to get the whitish/grayish wig. She puts the styrofoam wig-covered head on my lap and cautiously fingers the fake hair. She looks up at Nana in brown hair, her little brows gathering like storm clouds above her round eyes. I gaze back, baffled, before laughing out loud. Little ‘Duckie Dimples’ has chosen!

Joyfully,
Sharon