No Mo Chemo!!

Woohoooo…six rounds of chemo are finished!

The nurses sang and showered me with confetti while unhooking my IV lines. They surprised me with their funny 'end of chemo' song. One nurse cried when I told her my next goal is to get in shape enough to climb a rock wall. (small rock wall...indoors :) Not sure if I inspired her to tears or if she thought, ‘yeah right’ at the sight of me on crutches, with an IV, and talking about wall climbing. I confess I feel like crap at the moment, with my sprained ankle/foot and headache from the chemo. I can't really fathom climbing a hill let alone a wall, but I need something to motivate me and get me through the final recovery.

I also confess to being discouraged yesterday, despite finishing chemo. I expected to be dismissed from the cancer center with a wave and a hug, leaving all doctors and procedures behind for at least six months, but I have to repeat all the scans in May, see the oncologist in four weeks, plus get another colonoscopy to check out the former tumor site. Boy, I was not prepared to hear all this so it felt like huge disappointment! Almost took the joy out of the last chemo. The procedures seem to never end. I feel like a hamster on a wheel, running on a medical merry-go-round not sure when I can get off.

The oncologist did take me off Vincristine, the drug that causes numb feet, since I fell. I went for x-rays on my foot and there might be two stress fractures. My foot will be re-x-rayed after the swelling/bruising goes down.

All these temporary handicaps remind me of the time I climbed a huge tree. There are two platforms on this tree, a low one and a high one. I’ve always been afraid of heights, but I was determined to climb the tree. The first time I climbed with my husband coaching. With lots of stops and starts I made it to the first platform, while doubting my abilities with every foot hold. I wondered if hubby was getting exasperated with my hesitation and fear.

On the second climb, I went myself. I decide to take snacks, journal, binoculars and heavy coats in case I end up stranded for days fearing to come down. The sheer weight of all my stuff makes the scramble to the first platform quite cumbersome. I sit there joyfully for a long time relishing in my accomplishment and looking at birds through the binoculars. Yet, the higher platform beckons. My soul longs to be up there, but I’m so afraid! I know I have to lighten my load to climb higher but I’m not sure I’m brave enough to risk leaving behind my securities. I hesitate forever, giving myself pep talks, searching for possible foot/hand holds. Suddenly, I see a clear way up. Pumped with new energy I quickly discard my stuff. I lean over the platform, grinning, and drop my extra coat, my hat, my shoes, the backpack of snacks, binoculars, camera and journal. Lighter and barefoot, I climb. There is no thrill like sitting high in a tree, stuff strewn below, wind blowing your hair and the branches under you, except the thrill of knowing you have to get down!

I didn’t last long in my high perch, it was too cold and I had to get down before I chickened out. Success is measured by small victories, so this memory tells me I could climb a small rock wall, just as I got through chemo and will get off the hamster wheel some day.

For now, I feel the disappointment and discouragement, while also finding joy in my supply of books, DVDs, and soup. I can hole up for awhile; the accumulating house dirt isn’t going to kill anyone. Jay brought me seeds from Agway and plants for our tiny garden. I anticipate hobbling out to the garden and planting. The weather reports are calling for the temperature to be in the 80's soon, so I will also sit in the yard and work on my tan.

Joyfully,
Sharon