Affirmations

I’m watching old M*A*S*H reruns, eating bowls of soup and rotating the heating pad where ever my bones most need some warmth. As I warm my achy bones, I hope the earth is warming too; the sugar pea seeds I planted still haven’t poked though the ground. While I wait for peas, it’s lovely to watch cherry tomatoes forming in our indoor AreoGarden. I shake the plants regularly to scatter pollen since there are no insects inside to do the work of pollinating.

Unlike the tomato plants needing shaking up, I’m glad my treatment has settled into a predictable routine. Today is day eight, after chemo cycle # 5. This day in past cycles had me laying around in misery, getting through the bone pain rather than enjoying movies and soup while resting. Why am I in less pain? Why was the prednisone withdrawal less intense this time?

I’m sure the joy from my cancer-free status and nearing end of treatment is powering me into new strength and healing. Plus, with each round I get better at knowing how to support myself though the side effects, how to ask for what I need. Yet, something feels new in me, a subtle shift here, a tender growth there, as if some small, precious insects have been pollinating the cherry tomato blossoms within me.

A month ago, Marcus, my supervisor at school, offered to lend me his books on healing from illness, especially cancer. Curious and eagerly, I said yes, but while browsing though the books, I felt much resistance. Why should I reflect on why I got cancer? Why should I make another recording of affirmations according to the authors’ directions when I already did one my own way? I’m so tired of working on my health, my self awareness; besides, cancer already comes with so many ‘shoulds’: should do what the doctor says, should be strong, should be faith-filled and optimistic, should juice veggies, should eat healthy, should take care of myself. I’d freed myself up from needless ‘shoulds’ and didn’t want to guilt myself there again.

Still, I’m intrigued by the importance of recording my own voice using precise, simple statements and listening while falling asleep at night. (As if I’ll fall asleep!) Marcus graciously sent me an email collection of affirmations he helped a friend write during cancer treatments. Using them as a guide, I rewrote, adding some of my own, some from other resources. It felt awkward writing the statements and anticipating the recording process; I’m glad the books say I don’t have to believe the statements I record. Even as I’m drawn to this, skepticism blooms.

Ready, but quite self conscious, I sequester myself in the living room with my tape recorder and script, making Jay promise not to peek in or listen. It takes two attempts to speak soothingly. Marcus cautioned me to speak slowly and soothingly so I’d fall asleep calmly listening rather than jazzed from a voice rushing to get this unpleasantness finished!

Thirty days later, I am smiling over the small changes I’m experiencing. For what it’s worth, I share my list of affirming statements. I share with no point to make, no theological arguments, only with curiosity, humor, doubt and openness. Like the baffling question of Jesus, “Do you want to be healed?” I’m sure one has to be ready for whatever healing work one is drawn toward. I apologize to my sister, Laverne, who told me about similar affirmations back in November, and I only resisted and argued through our conversations. I thought it was all hokey, un-Christian and self-deceptive. Now, I’m edging towards believing the authors when they assure the statements redirect the mind rather than deceive. I don’t care to define healing; I just know I’m ready to live fully whatever length of life is given me, without a need to control any outcomes. I’m also willing to notice the affirmations and statements I resist. My resistance tells me where my subconscious mind could use some redirecting. I notice without judgment, but with humor and self love. (The commentary in parenthesis is my first reactions to the statements while listening and was not part of the recording!)

~ I started the recording by reading a poem and one selection from Psalms for Praying…then on to the following statements~

I am relaxed and at rest
I sleep well (may I laugh?)
My sleep patterns are deep and relaxed (yeah right, I’ll believe when I’m
sleeping!)
My mind is clear (what, no usual absent-mindedness, no present chemo fog?)
I love and approve of myself (more and more, but there are times ….)
My immune system is strong (can I say this? What about autoimmune issues?)
I am strong and healthy (I’m sensitive, allergic, have cancer and autoimmune issues
for Pete’s sake)
My white blood count is strong (yay, this one I like)
I choose to live (yes!)
I think positive thoughts (uh…mostly)
Yes, Jesus, I want to be healed. (yes, I do!)
I do not need side effects. (where did I come up with this one?)
I am relaxed and at rest (wonder if too much repetition defeats the purpose)
My sleep patterns are deep and relaxed
I sleep well
The chemo therapy is my helper
My immune system is strong
The chemo therapy helps my body heal
My white blood count is strong
The chemo therapy attacks the weak and unhealthy cells in my body
My immune system washes out the weak and unhealthy cells in my body
My healthy cells are strong
I have good energy
My immune system protects my hair from the chemo (but, but, I’ve already lost it!)
My immune system protects my mouth and throat
I am relaxed and at rest
My sleep patterns are deep and relaxed
I sleep well
I love and approve of myself
I am beautiful
I love life
Yes, Jesus, I want to be healed.
I do not need side effects.
The breath of Life flows easily through me (hope I don’t get asthma this round)
I joyfully accept life (my middle name isn’t Joy for nothing!)
The world is safe and friendly. (even with war-abuse-earthquakes?)
My mucus membranes are healthy (I’d love not to hurt after chemo!)
My white blood count is strong
The chemo attacks the weak and unhealthy cells in my body
My while blood count is strong
My body is strong
My body is healthy
I release all allergies (I want to believe, God help my unbelief!)
I release fear and resentment.
I love and forgive.
I let others be themselves and I am free.
My whole body is blessed with love.
All parts are beautiful. (my lil old man bald head too?)
I love and approve of myself
I am in total balance. (but, what about prednisone withdrawal?)
My system is in order.
I love life and circulate freely. (I love this!)
The chemo is my helper.
The chemo kills my weak and confused cells
My white blood cells are intelligent and strong (yes, they are! Go whities, go!)
My white blood cells are not damaged by chemo (really?)
The macrophages send the weak and dead cells to my liver and kidneys
My liver and kidneys wash out my weak and dead cells (I love my liver and kidneys!)
My cancer cells are decreasing
My white blood cells are multiplying.
My immune system protects my body.
My immune system protects my digestive system
My appetite is good
Food tastes wonderful! (but after chemo it doesn’t!)
My mucus membranes are healthy
I see good everywhere.
I am fulfilled.
I release the old and welcome the new.
I sleep well at night
I have good energy
I love and approve of myself
I stand in Truth.
I have a deep spirit, love of God, the earth, humanity.
I sleep well at night.
~I ended with a Celtic Blessing and one selection from Psalms for Praying~ (I have yet to hear the end of the tape, so either this is working, or I’m boring myself to sleep! :)

Book Resources:
Getting Well Again, by O. Carl Simonton
The Cancer Conqueror, by Greg Anderson
Peace, Love and Healing, by Bernie S. Siegel
You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay


Quotes:
“If I make such a tape, I’m adding: I am skinny.” my sisters
“Rats, wonder if I can add in the skinny part?” Sharon, thinking.

“The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead.” Albert Einstein

“Illness and death are not failures. Illness and facing our own mortality can be the catalyst for the kind of profound inner change that allows us to love, often for the first time in our lives.” Dr. Bernie Siegel.

“Living, dying, physical healing, and no physical healing – are not the issue. The ultimate goal for me is to walk and live in the fullness of God’s love, in such a way that it may be a healing for all. To live and to love – nothing more and nothing less. I finally learned this.” Susan, quoted from Siegel’s book Peace, Love, Healing

Joyfully,
Sharon