In Celebration of Duds!

I survived our first major book signing! 

Fears were present but not overpowering- fears of introvert burnout over the endless socializing often required of an author, and of course, fears of vulnerability always part of a writer's life.  

But, last Saturday,  at the Jesuit Center in Wernersville,

I greeted people with my brother and co-author, Don. I had deep conversations, signed books, laughed, made connections and oozed extroverted energy.

When I could have holed up my room, I still felt energetic. So I took a walk 

with a good friend, soaking in the gorgeous surroundings...

front yard, Jesuit Center in Wernersville, PA

.....and was powerfully present to color, breeze, birds, our deep conversation. 

portico in late afternoon, Jesuit Center

I only needed a tiny bit of solitude

      and recharging 

               that afternoon. 

                       It felt good, flying high....

...felt smug even!  I'm beating the dud introvert label!  So this is how one rolls with the extroverted majority, the actively happy, school-desks-in-pods and office-teams-not-cubicles, American culture. Woot woot! 

Night ushered in more fun! In celebration of the book release, a few close friends gathered around me to release bright colored Chinese lanterns and light candles that shoot sprays of sparkles.

 Each friend clutched their favorite 'releasing' poem to read before lighting a lantern.  

But, the weather was a dud. WINDY.  Kicking up leaves and unwinding scarves from our necks, the wind gusts made the night dangerous for sending fire-powered lanterns into the sky.  

Disappointed, but determined to light something on fire, we huddled

labyrinth, Jesuit Center 

in the center of an outdoor labyrinth, blocking the wind with our bodies, hands, and books, and we tried to light a firecracker candle stuck in the center of a muffin.   

We tried over and over exhausting our trigger fingers. The lighter gasped, coughed and stuck. The wind quickly snuffed out each tiny spurt of flame. Laughing, we gathered round that lighter coaching it into flame like midwives telling an exhausted laborer to carry on, carry on for surely a burst of life is coming! But, alas, my lighter was a dud. 

  

We moved to the portico. One friend ran inside for a big box of matches. 

  Huddled even closer, and with hands and palms spread all around to protect the candle from gusts, we tried again. I loved the antics of my friends, the collective groaning and hoping for flames and fireworks. We threw away that candle, got another. We moved fast and worked hard like boys striking matches quickly before mom takes away our fun. But, both candles were duds.

Giving up on the candles, I pulled out my box of celebration crackers, wrapped in gold polka dots, tied with gilded ribbon. Yes, we would still celebrate with snaps and bangs!  We held our crackers, took turns reading our poems. One poem, one cracker. A dud.  Next one did not pop or snap either.

More moaning and disbelief. The next crackers were pulled apart faster. We so wanted to outsmart those inhibited crackers. How dare they be so unwilling to part with their party favors inside! (sounds like a bad metaphor for extroverts insisting introverts are holding back). Only one cracker cracked.    

Yet, I've never had more fun laughing with friends over duds. Their precious poetry made me teary, their enthusiasm for celebrating with me (and playing with fire) was delightful!  

And, we celebrated anyway…maybe even more so than seeing flame-lit lanterns floating into a starry sky, or candles exploding with sparkles.... 

in my dreams

                                        
                              ...NAH!    That part was still disappointing.

After continuing the party indoors with two friends, champagne and soul talk, I fell asleep that night, smiling and content. Another extroverted day followed, and the weekend ended by sharing dinner with friends. 

Got a massage the following Monday morning, went to my spiritual director afterward. After 30 minutes of talking with her about life, excitement, changes, unexpected losses, autumn beauty,

near fish pond at the Jesuit Center

exhaustion, decisions, poignant weekend moments…

photo by Mim Hurst 

                    suddenly, just like that…. 

the extroverted ride was over. I completely ran out of juice. Couldn't bear one more word, facial expression, scent of candle or color outside the window.

                                            

                       Full sensory overload! All circuits shutting down!

I fell silent.  

In her gracious, quiet presence, I cried. She smiled her beautiful Italian expressive extroverted smile, sat with me in silence and tears, then handed me materials on introversion. Introverts crashing. Germanic, stoic, smug introverts crashing.

We ended our session laughing.   

Sometimes life moves really fast. My sensitive soul has trouble keeping pace. It’s not about energy levels or out-goingness, it’s about giving myself quiet space to catch up. Introversion isn't the dud I sometimes make it out be.  

Even if that were true…..

                                       duds can be celebrated! 

~ ~ ~

more photos of Jesuit Center - ENJOY!        - http://jesuitcenter.org/

Helpful links:

Article - The Physical Behavior of Introverts

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/07/physical-behavior-of-introverts_n_6069438.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Book - Quiet 

http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1415448785&sr=1-1&keywords=quiet