God's gifts often come in strange packages

I love gifts. The earth is an incredible gift. I especially love birds, from colorful parrots to starlings fighting over suet. Yesterday, I enjoyed seeing ribbons of snow geese swirling and curling against the blue sky above our corn field, thousands of black-tipped white bodies moving with one mind. While it’s harder for me to find the gift in being stuck indoors, I can find treasures there also: one beautiful white flower bud rising above the foliage of my peace plant, the delighful taste of fennel in my veggie juice, two cactus blossoms, the photos of children and dogs on my walls, the fragrance of toast, Jay frying eggs or stirring soup, Rosey mopping my floor, colorful lint in my dryer, love shining in the eyes of those who take me to chemo, or agree to do something fun with me when I ask.

When I was down last week, I slipped into thinking chemo and side effects, and my reacting body was 'the enemy'. Now that I'm back to my normal self and feel positive again, I want to refocus my belief that chemo is healing and side effects are a sign something positive is happening. I want to keep loving myself, body and soul.

God’s gifts often come in strange packages. My experiences show me I am not really in control of the outcome of my life, of my illness, of even the chemo. It took much growing for me to see this truth as a gift. And, it will be a gift I will need to receive and accept many times as I continue this journey on earth. This gift liberates me to focus on what I can control: my attitude, what I give to my life and how I care for my body.

However, accepting this particular gift requires letting go of thinking cancer or illness and depression, or even depth of emotion is a failure. It has taken me a very long time to understand this, and even so, I still sometimes blame myself, think I’m doing something wrong or not trying hard enough. Each set back brings the temptation to wonder if I’ve skipped too many days of juicing, am not praying adequately, not thinking enough positive thoughts or shouldn't have eaten that cookie.

It is a special person who can offer hope to me when when I suffer rather than add to my sense of failure. Hope is vital when a sense of failure comes so easily. Life’s difficult times do offer teachable moments and often I discover a better way of living, or thinking, or being when I’m open to changing, one small reachable goal at a time. I can pray for a miracle, but I can’t make one happen. I am not a failure, nor am I doing anything wrong when miracles don't happen. I can ask for God's grace and seek peace of mind. I can choose to life my life fully, each moment. I can choose to love. All my efforts, my positive thoughts, my visualizing, praying, meditating and seeking God does not guarantee I will be free of side effects, pain, nights in the ER, or reoccurrences of cancer.

The mortality rate for life is 100 percent! My life’s final outcome is death, sooner or later. I need, as everyone needs: hope, encouragement, working for the best outcome while loving and accepting myself no matter what happens. I’m finding that when outcomes are not quite what I desired, loving myself is even more important. God will provide all that I need, not everything I want. When I don’t get what I want, I am not a failure; God is not forgetting me any more than I am forgetting something or doing something wrong.

Joyfully,
Sharon

“God, help me believe the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is!” ~Macrina Wiederkehr