Ugly Art?

Art and dreams are full of symbolism. Some language is
 deeper than words; imagines can help us express what we 
know.

                           







  I made the following collage for three reasons.....

One, to express the depths of my sorrow over world events. Two, to express the rawness that I feel knowing of my sister-in-law's sudden diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. And, three, to express lament over this winter that never ends, the frozen pipes, poorly insulated 164 yr old farmhouse that can't keep out the bone chilling temps, endless other farm hassles, the budget in the red, and my all round crappy day filled with puppy digging in my potted fig tree (3x!) and grandson's naughtiness. Including pushing down the puppy gate that guards the fig tree. Meltdowns. One because the bright colored plastic tape strips he's trying to stick on the floor get wrinkles in them!  

 

Actually, I had four reasons. Number four- I've been waiting for time and inspiration to make a prayer mandala for the online retreat I'm participating in, called Sacred Seasons: A Yearlong Journey through the Celtic Wheel of the Year, offered through Abbey of the Arts. 

I had some time on Ash Wednesday, so I made the collage, and posted it to Facebook, writing, "so appropriate as I feel like a pile of ashes. So many discouragements. Instead of groaning and ranting and smacking....well okay I did rant to the farmer and I might have smacked a toe when I kicked a chunk of ice embedded in a snow drift on our morning walk......but instead of dwelling in that misery, I sent cards to my brother and sister in law, misted my gorgeous better-late-then-never blooming Christmas cactus. Now, I'm going to sit on my sunny window sill and make some ugly art. Some very ugly, messy, ashy art. Maybe when I'm done, I'll be able to rise from the ashes and continue to wait for spring.

This is my Imbolic - Candlemas Prayer Collage. It's not what I expected but what I accept.

Shockingly, as I uploaded this on my computer and brought the collage up on my screen, giant water drops like tears seemed to fall out of that eye image to roll down the screen. I freaked out a little -it seemed like God was crying too. Then I saw the pot I had just put on the kitchen pot rack above me was dripping water - not completely dry out of the dishwasher. What a powerful 'image' though, of  Universal lament. 

The suggestion after creating the collage was to write what our soul is experiencing - to deeply engage each image in the collage.  So I wrote this: 

"I am blue. Heart blue of pain and violence, tears blue as my sister-in-law is facing stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I am the moans of my brother watching his wife suffer. I am the scream thundering from my belly, raw and angry, sick of cold and winter. I am my grandson throwing a tantrum. I am spikes of exhaustion. I am silver lashes viewing life, seeing with the eyes of my heart. I am orange fire and presence. I am silver ash, chaff burning away. I am yoga, bending and breathing and not ripping. I am red shards my grandson cuts into my life: heights of love and depths of frustration. I am an exclamation point. I am crazy tangles of joy and grief and anger. I am a snowflake's spectacular beauty. I am pink sunrises and glimmers of red, like cardinals, like hope, hiding between branches. And I am fine, a human being fully alive."

After my Facebook posting a friend wondered why I called it ugly art? I originally called it bad art, but changed to ugly. The question made me realize both of those words are not descriptive of my intention to make something opposite from soft, flowing or pretty. Or nice, or positive or unbeat and victoriously Christian. Right then, I needed to make something s-h-a-r-d-y, with edges and closer to a  S C R E A M  than sweetness and joy. 

Screams too, belong......


                          ...... laments have their place.  Just ask my brother, or any kid. While I love some parts of winter.....this winter I may just want to scream until spring!!!!